Disney Princess Rehabilitation
by The Truly Exalted One
Summary: Introduction: My name is Dr. Tax-fattened-hyena, I deal with malignant maladies of the mind. Particularly blank canvases. So naturally I do a lot of work with Disney Princesses and other damsels previously or currently in distress. These poor ladies suffer from many maladies: fear of blowing away due to tiny waist size, gerontophobia, chronomentrophobia... Curse you Disney!
1. Chapter 1

Disney Princess Rehabilitation Center

Introduction: My name is Dr. Tax-fattened-hyena, I deal with malignant maladies of the mind. Particularly blank canvases. So naturally I do a lot of work with Disney Princesses and other damsels previously or currently in distress. (If they weren't blank canvases they most likely wouldn't be in distress. They'd probably slay their own dragons and walk away.)

These poor ladies come to our special Rehabilitation Center in order to cope with their inner dragons, insecurity about waist size ("I'm terrified I'll blow away!"), troubles with princes, troubles with zits (which did not occur until after filming), troubles with having no more troubles- these ladies are full of it! They of course signed a patient-doctor confidentiality policy with me, but due to the fine print they didn't realize they were signing up to allow me to publish their case files and hopefully make a lot of money! I could have asked for their internal organs in that contract and they wouldn't have noticed!

Therefore I have disclosed these files. At the top I list the name of the princesses in each therapy session and then their exact dialogue (no extrapolation was necessary). Anything in italics is my personal notes that I took in response to the dialogue such as- _she obviously feels undervalued, call Disney and tell them to make a platinum version of her movie._

Session 1

_Princesses/damsels present: Snow White_

Snow White: Oh dear Doctor, I was told you could help me!

Doctor: Who told you that?

Snow White: The Evil Queen.

Doctor: Oh. What an honored reference. She isn't accompanying you to these sessions, is she?

Snow White: Of course not! I left her home to watch the children.

Doctor: How nice! So… What do you wish to speak me about?

Snow White: Well it's a very small thing, but it's keeping me from my work.

Doctor: Yes?

Snow White: I can't stand the sight of elderly people, or apples. Or pigeons-

Doctor: Stop! Can you explain these aversions to me? When the symptoms first started, for instance?

Snow White: Well it was after that dreadful apple. I honestly thought that old woman was so sweet to bring me such a treat, but afterwards I felt…

Doctor: Go on.

Snow White: I can't say it, I'm a Disney Princess! We aren't supposed to have the capacity to feel any emotion that could lead to wickedness, things like… *gulp* anger…

Doctor: In my office you may have any emotion you wish_. Except stinginess_.

Snow White: I felt BETRAYED!

_Note: I should have sound-proofed my office. Good thing my secretary is a pintrest addict or she might be aware of her surroundings._

Doctor: That's a very natural feeling.

Snow White: But it's wrong! I have to forgive the old woman, she probably didn't know that the apple was poisoned.

Doctor: Did you ever, by chance, learn the old woman's name?

Snow White: No. I was in eternal sleep until I got kissed, no one ever told me what happened.

_A common malady among princesses._

Doctor: It will be all right, Snow White. How does this affect your work?

Snow White: I come out and visit the Disneyland parks to sign autographs for children, when I'm not watching my own. I also pose for pictures quite often and go to premieres for the other princess's movies.

Doctor: And this fear?

Snow White: There are so many elderly people! I scarcely know where to look! I can't even go to my own son's Parent Teacher Meetings! I also have to sneak around the library, and I have to cancel dates with my husband whenever our favorite restaurant has senior specials!

Doctor: How perfectly dreadful. Our first session is over unless you want to pay the extension fee.

Snow White: Oh, no thank you. The Queen charges a lot for watching kids. Can we schedule another session soon?

Doctor: Of course, talk to my secretary.

Note- I should schedule a group therapy session for some of the princesses next week and begin therapy for real. Now that I've identified some of their problems.

Session 2

_Princess present: Aurora, also known as Sleeping Beauty_

Aurora: I'm glad you made time to see me, doctor.

Doctor: It was no trouble at all. So how are things?

_No trouble at all except my canceling an appointment with Lady Gaga… There's a lot of work to be done there_

Aurora: I did manage to get the kids to school this week, but I had to have Philip wake me up when he left for work. Look, I have dark circles under my eyes!

Doctor: Philip leaves for work very early, doesn't he? And what is his job again?

Aurora: Philip is a professional polo player. He has so many obligations on his time, and Ralph Lauren's cologne advertisements just sap his strength whenever he has to film for one.

Doctor: And do you have a job?

Aurora: No. Disney wants to pay me for my appearances, but on a regular basis, and due to my problem (_her voice cracks_) that's just not possible.

Doctor: As of yet, but with more work (_and more money_) I'm sure we will see progress. You didn't pay for a long session today, is there any particular reason for that?

Aurora: Yes. I have to get home and cut back the rosebushes before they grow over the house again.

Doctor: Well, I have one suggestion for you to work on this week, just a little tiny thing, and then I'll see you next week for group therapy.

Aurora: What should I do?

Doctor: I suggest you try some different alarm clocks, I'm sure Philip doesn't mind waking you up, but we can't have a Disney Princess with dark circles and we also can't have such a magnificent polo player miss one of his tournaments. I know you have almost infinite money to spend and I'm sure your Disney Princess Insurance will cover the expense if you purchase the alarm clocks for health reasons. Here's my prescription which you may document as part of your claim.

Aurora: Thank you doctor, I'm sorry to be such a bother.

Doctor: I wouldn't have become a doctor if I didn't want to be bothered, your highness. My secretary is waiting to show you out.

Group Therapy

_Princesses present: Snow White, Aurora, Pocahontas, and Ana_

Ana:

Is it all right for a queen to attend these sessions? My sister has been having some problems lately.

Doctor: Queen Elsa?

Ana: Yes. She found my microwave yesterday and she's quite upset.

Doctor: She's frightened of microwaves?

Ana: No sir! That would be silly! No, it's just that all these modern contraptions like refrigerators and indoor skating rinks make her feel worthless. Whenever she sees one she starts crying like mad and shuts herself up in her room.

Doctor: I may be able to make an allowance for poor Queen Elsa, if she so wishes. Tell her that, will you?

Ana: Of course.

Doctor: Questions aside, let's all go around in a circle and introduce ourselves, shall we? And Snow White, you go first.

Snow White: My name is Snow White

Other Princesses: Hello Snow White

Snow White: And I have problems.

Doctor: Good job Snow, the first step to solving your problems is to admit that you have them! Next!

Aurora: Hi, my name is Aurora

Other Princesses: Hello Aurora

Aurora: And I have a serious sleeping problem, which in turn interferes with my being a mother. _Sniffle_.

Doctor: Oh Aurora, don't cry, we're all friends here! Next.

Pocahontas: Hello, my name is Pocahontas

Other Princesses: Hello Pocahontas

Pocahontas:My problem is environmentalists, they're really stopping me from seeing the colors of the wind.

Doctor: Can you be a little more specific?

Pocahontas: I completely disagree with everything they do, so whenever I see one I shoot an arrow just past their face.

Doctor: I see… And why did you come here?

Pocahontas: I missed.

_Note- I need to burn my environmentalist brochures before she has her private session next Thursday._

Doctor: Ah, well. It happens to us all. Next, Ana?

Ana: My name is Ana.

Other Princesses: Hello Ana.

Ana: Kristoff and I broke up yesterday, we can't seem to do long-term relationships. It's like Prince Hans all over again! Kristoff is a shaggy little mountain man that can't seem to decide whether he loves me or not!

Doctor: And why is this a problem?

Ana: Because I love him and I want him back!

Doctor: No, I meant why do you need therapy?

Ana: Because last time we broke up I said "It isn't you, it's me".

Doctor: I'll work you into a private session soon, okay, Ana? Now everyone, I need you all to close your eyes… Aurora, please don't fall asleep. Now, envision that your problem is a blue balloon, and all you have to do is-

Queen Elsa: "LET IT GO, LET IT GO! Turn away and slam the door!" I'm here to pick Ana up early, we're wanted at the Disneyland in Tokyo.

Doctor: Oh esteemed Queen Elsa! Would you care to join us?

Queen Elsa: No, I wouldn't. Ana, we have to go.

Ana: That's a lovely song you were singing sis! So Doctor, what's my assignment for this week?

Doctor: Allow yourself to eat some chocolate, I promise your waistline won't expand, and do something nice for yourself. Hug Olaf, go sledding… hide the microwave.

Ana: I will! Bye, Doctor!

Doctor: Now that they are gone, let's return to our relaxing exercise.

Snow White: Umm, Aurora fell asleep again.

Doctor: Oh dear. Well, just leave her be for now. I'll have my secretary call Philip in a moment when we have our emotional inventory.

_Note- never allow Aurora to close her eyes for more than thirty seconds at a time._

Pocahontas: Where are we when we are envisioning this, balloon?

Doctor: You're in a park, a beautiful park, with all kinds of big trees-

Pocahontas: And all the colors of the wind

Snow White: And little animals! Little bunnies and deers and-

Doctor: This exercise requires silent contemplation. Picture it, don't say it. Now take a deep breath

Princesses: _Inhale, exhale._

Doctor: Now I need you to tug on the balloon and visualize your problems

Snow White: Can you have more than one balloon? I think I want seven.

Doctor: All right, all right. Just picture the balloon or balloons. Got it? Now breathe in deeply and exhale. Then as you exhale release the balloons and watch your problems soar away.

Princesses: _Inhale, exhale._

Doctor: Now open your eyes and tell me how you feel

Pocahontas: I feel calm, like a soaring eagle.

Snow White: I feel light and fluffy, like a marshmallow cloud!

Doctor: Good. Now before you go to bed every night this week I want you to repeat that exercise to calm you down before sleep.

Pocahontas: What does that do?

Doctor: It clears your mind and subconsciously encourages your mind to let go of its problems by suggesting it to the subconscious. There's a large amount of essays that talk of it besides the studies and other things, but I daresay just knowing there are such things will be enough for you.

Pocahontas: Can we leave now?

Doctor: Oh yes, and don't forget to schedule another session before you go!

Session 4

Princess present- Jasmine

Jasmine: Hello doctor, I've heard a lot about you! Snow White told me you're an absolute miracle worker.

Doctor: Oh well, I do my best.

Jasmine: I didn't really want to come today, but I figured that if anyone could help me, you could.

Doctor: I hope I will be able to, if not then I can recommend some other therapists

_Note- I never recommend anyone better than myself, it's bad business._

Jasmine: Well you see, I have some problems.

Doctor: That's completely normal.

Jasmine: Not for a Disney Princess! We aren't supposed to have them or talk about them, not to anyone.

Doctor: I'm sorry for that but I assure you, many Disney Princesses have problems that even their respective Prince Charmings can't rescue them from. And they do need to talk about it in order to get better.

Jasmine: I guess so. But doesn't that mean we don't live happily ever after if we all have these problems?

Doctor: People and princesses have to learn to live with their problems in order to be happy, because all problems will never completely go away. What is your problem?

Jasmine: I'm terrified of heights, and small spaces.

Doctor: Can you think of why you might be frightened of those things?

Jasmine: Well there was the one time Aladdin was driving the magic carpet and we crashed into the Parthenon, and the other time Aladdin was driving and we crashed into a bust of Abraham Lincoln, and another time Aladdin was driving and we crashed into a cruise ship. Then there was also the time Aladdin was driving and we crashed into the Matterhorn at Disneyland…

Doctor: So it's possible you suffered repeated traumas due to Aladdin's carpet-driving skills. Have you ever asked to drive the carpet yourself before?

Jasmine: Oh no, Aladdin's the Sultan and he does love to drive.

Doctor: I'm sure he does. Now the fear of small spaces, when do you suppose that started?

Jasmine: I think it may have been after Jaffar stuck me in that hourglass. Now I can't even use the elevator without freezing up and breaking into a cold sweat.

Doctor: Perfectly understandable. Well Jasmine, are there any other problems you wish to discuss at the moment?

Jasmine: I can't stand going to the zoo. All those tigers behind cages, it makes me want to set them all free

Doctor: How- ahem- _noble_ of you. Well my advice to you is that you stay away from zoos and go spend some quality time with the magic carpet, try to identify your feelings. I also suggest you join my group therapy sessions once a week every Tuesday. Is that all right?

Jasmine: Of course. Thank you Doctor.

Session 5

Princesses present: Ariel


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

**Session 5**

Aurora

Aurora: Hello Doctor (she collapses into a chair)

Doctor: Oh my. Have you been attacked?

Aurora: No... Let's just say the alarm clock idea was a bit of a flop and I had to resort to Philip. I really did marry the perfect man. _YAWN._

Doctor: What HAPPENED?

Aurora: Alarm clocks don't wake me up, apparently I have a psychosis that causes me to bludgeon anything that makes excessive noise while I sleep. So… I kinda broke all of them.

Doctor: Well in that case we'll try some other methods. I spent the other day coming up with a spreadsheet of your treatment options.

Aurora: YAWN. And?

Doctor: The first option would be continued private and group therapy with the other Disney Princesses, the second option would be a private resort in Finland for an extended period of time.

_Note- no one checks up on Finland._

Aurora: I have to pay for three of my daughters braces, and Philips new colt Samson- bred from his sire Samson and his brood mare Sammy. The equine maternity prices are going through the roof! My rosebushes are too, for that matter. I need to go home and cut them back.

Doctor: Oh, in that case just schedule a follow-up and we'll discuss the options again after I evaluate them.

Aurora: All right then, good day Doctor!

**Session 6**

Princesses present: Ariel

Ariel: Disney referred me to you, sir. They said that along with my physical therapy I have to come here.

Doctor: I see. What is your physical problem?

Ariel: Can't you see it? I have…. A ZIT!

_Note: Ariel was too distressed for us to make much progress at this point. I gave her a discount in form of a 15% off coupon for our next session._

**Session 7**

Pocahontas

Pocahontas: Hello, doctor.

Doctor: You don't sound very excited to be here, is something wrong?

Pocahontas: I'm just biding my time until I get my bow back.

Doctor: (_runs a shaking hand through his hair_) So what exactly is your problem with environmentalists?

Pocahontas: It's quite simple, really. Pollution is a color too.

Doctor: I see?

Pocahontas: Of course you don't, o indoctrinated one. My people are forced into jobs at casinos, or selling bracelets by the side of the road, one of the great hopes for our upward mobility is the coal plant on our land. And environmentalists would have this shut down, forcing even more of my people into apathetic jobs that can barely feed their families- besides being unproductive and immoral.

Doctor: So you aren't a fan of gambling?

Pocahontas: NO. There is a saying I often tell young children- If you are hungry, shoot a deer. Where is the practicality of trying to get something for nothing?

Doctor: I must say, of all the princesses I have met, you seem to be one of the wiser ones.

Pocahontas: I wouldn't say so.

Doctor: Well do you have any real problems to discuss? Besides the anger management?

Pocahontas: No.

Doctor: Then we will start there. You are content with your lot in life?

Pocahontas: Yes. I live in a beautiful world and come from a strong people. I am content.

Doctor: How can that be? People are rarely content around here. Just look around at all the sadness, despair, mistrust, deceit, and greed. How can you be happy with this?

Pocahontas: I'm happy to live in a free country where I choose where I go and what I do. I act as I please according to my conscience, and feel as I want to feel, at peace.

Doctor: Then why do you really shoot at environmentalists?

Pocahontas: I already told you.

Doctor: But aren't there better ways?

Pocahontas: Not if they are invading my people's lands, no. However come to think of it I do have an idea…

Doctor: Well, your sessions are rather short. We're almost out of time unless you want to pay an extension fee

Pocahontas: I do not.

Doctor: Well I feel the best way to help you is-

Pocahontas: You don't have to say it, I already know. Because we have tried peaceful negotiation and tolerated these people so long, there's only one thing left to try.

Doctor: And what would that be?

Pocahontas: Scalping them. Good day, doctor!

_Note: The Indian coal plant is located on Navajo lands in Page Arizona. This is a real political situation. The Coal Plant is facing shutdown for emissions and will cause many Navajo to be unemployed, and as there aren't many other businesses available to them on the reservation they may all have to work in casinos. This will also cause power shortages across Arizona as it is a huge supplier of power to many places in the state._

**Session 8**

Cinderella

Doctor: Good morning, your highness!

Cinderella: Good morning sir!

Doctor: Those shoes are rather… Shocking-ly gorgeous?

Cinderella: Don't you just LO-OVE them? I bought them yesterday at Jimmy Choo.

Doctor: That's a very expensive pair of shoes isn't it?

Cinderella: Oh, just luxe!

Doctor: So your Disney agent made this appointment for you this morning, they say you have some… Shoe issues?

Cinderella: No way am I giving up my shoe catalogues, if that's what you want then I'll get up and leave, like right now.

Doctor: Oh no! I don't want your catalogues. She says you have spent more than $900 every day since your last birthday and your Disney account is almost empty.

Cinderella: I can't think how that might happen.

Doctor: She says you're a shopaholic, your highness.

Cinderella: No I'm not.

_Note: She's in denial._

Doctor: How many pairs of shoes do you have?

Cinderella: (_bites her lip and thinks about it_) Umm, like not nearly as many as most celebrities.

Doctor: Your agent put in a note that says you keep all your shoes in a wing of a Disney castle behind a secret door and you're almost out of room. I imagine that puts you at 500 pairs.

Cinderella: Well… Maybe I have that many. I wouldn't know. I just feel so confident and perfect in gorgeous high heels.

Doctor: Your agent also says that you recently separated from your husband Prince Charming due to the spending problem.

Cinderella: …. Can I schedule another session for another time? I don't think I can talk about this right now.

Doctor: Of course. In the meantime I want you to round up all your credit cards and finances and go see a professional. As soon as you get some kind of plan of action squared away with them we'll start working on your problem. I also want you to attend the Group Therapy Session tomorrow.

Cinderella: Yes, Doctor.

**Group Therapy Session 9**

Princesses present: Ana, Ariel, Cinderella, Snow White, Jasmine

Cinderella: Hello everyone! _(pauses to pose in her latest designer outfit, complete with seriously bejeweled shoes that could have belonged to the Mistress of Evil)_

Doctor: Come sit down with us, please.

Ana: Ooh! I love your shoes!

Cinderella: I know 3. I bought them this morning at BCBG.

Ana: You're very fashionable, aren't you?

Cinderella: I love designer shoes… (_Sigh)._

Ariel: That's one of the best parts of losing the fish tail, SHOES!

Doctor: Umm, ladies, can we please focus?

Snow White: I only got to wear flats for my film. Except when I got to train that actress for Mirror Mirror, that was when I got to wear some serious Louboutins. I was also the person who approved her costume.

Ana: And her eyebrows?

Snow White: It's just one of those things…

Ariel: So it isn't just me! I've always considered it to be one of the finest parts of being a modern American woman! An American woman, red lipstick, mascara, and high heels.

Doctor: Ladies?

Ana: I haven't really gotten to wear any exciting shoes, my Disney allowance is pretty small because I'm new.

Cinderella: (_tips her shades down and smiles at Ana_) You're welcome to come check out some of mine anytime you like.

Snow White: I've always like Alexander McQueen's line, haven't you?

Cinderella: Oh, now there was a designer! Some of his work was just fabulous as far as visual appeal goes, he knew something about eye_candy_.

Ariel: This makes me want to go shopping!

Doctor: Ladies!

Cinderella: You know what? I think I am going to have to go back to New York. Right now.

Doctor: CINDERELLA!

Cinderella: Oh, you're such a dowdy.

_Note- I will have to look that word up in the urban dictionary later._

Doctor: You all paid for this session, and I'm so glad that you're bonding. But we need to get a little therapy done.

Snow White: I'm sorry Doctor, that was rude of me.

Doctor: No harm done. Now for today's exercise we're each going to go around in a circle and tell the story of a recent traumatic experience that we need to share in order to understand each other. You may pass if you wish to.

Ana: Ooh, ooh me first! I think Kristoff and I had an argument, I'll tell you exactly what we said to each other and then you can all tell me if you think we had a fight or not!

Doctor: I thought you two broke up!

Ana: We got back together. Now listen carefully, it all started when Kristoff told me my blue streak was ugly. I laughed cutely and beaned him with a snowball. Kristoff came chasing after me and grabbed me in a hug and told me how much he loved me. Then he caught me checking out Prince Hans in the corner of my eye and I think he's jealous! He set me down and asked me if I was making eyes at Prince Hans again. I said no way, and he didn't believe me! So then I insisted that I never dated him even when we were over and he said "I'm not sure if we should get back together." So I asked him if he'd been seeing someone else and he said "NO." So obviously there's no reason for us not to be together and I told him so! And he said "I can never argue with you anyway." But then he didn't smooch me in front of everyone else, which means that he's ashamed to be with me!

Doctor: (_Takes an aspirin_)

Ana: Anyways so right now he's my boyfriend, but I'm not sure I want to break up with him again because that would be awkward.

Doctor: May I suggest that the other ladies take this? Who has the most relationship experience? Let's see… Snow White?

Snow White: I think you and Kristoff should go on a break for a while and check out some other people, make sure you know what you want. Then if you both want to get back together I suggest you get married. You are old enough now and it's time to make a commitment.

Cinderella: I agree with Snow White! When I was like, a teenager, I dated so many boys! But none of them were princes. Basically I had a lot of sucky boyfriends up until I met my husband… And I will say that if I hadn't married him and made that commitment before I moved into the castle we wouldn't still be married now.

Ariel: But you two don't even live together anymore! Oops. Was I not supposed to say that?

Cinderella: We still love each other and we're staying married. We just have some issues to resolve and as soon as we start working on them we'll be moving back into our castle, don't worry. My husband is absolutely obsessed with me. He won't stay away for long.

Doctor: So Ana, does that help a little?

Ana: I guess Disney didn't marry us in the movie because I was too young then. But it'd be lovely to have a wedding! We could even invite the rock trolls!

Ariel: Ooh! Invite me! I LOVE WEDDINGS!

Cinderella: I always cry at weddings.

Snow White: No matter how many times I go, I always get excited on other people's wedding day.

Doctor: I suggest you make a goal to take Princess Snow White's advice and report back to us next week and tell us how its going.

Ana: I love you guys.

Ariel: Aww.

Doctor: Who would like to go next?

Ariel: Well, I'll get mine out of the way. The reason I'm wearing makeup today is because of this (_Ariel wipes off the concealer)_

Other Princesses: GASP!

Snow White: What did the Disney Princess Dermatoligist say?

Ariel: She said don't touch it or do anything. I can pay a little money for an injection that will clear it right up but she would rather deal with it naturally.

Cinderella: I'm so sorry!

Ariel: I can't do anything that might expose it, it's been a week and it still won't go away. I swear it's getting bigger!  
Ana: Gee, I hope that never happens to me.

Ariel: You don't understand, do you? This is traumatic!

Snow White: We get it, honey. My daughter gets zits all the time, her face is almost completely covered. No one wants to date her because it repulses them. She comes home from school and just cries.

Ariel: This isn't helping!

Doctor: Aren't you supposed to go to Disney World next week to train the new mermaids?

Ariel: Yes… But I don't think I can, not with this postule!

Doctor: Go get the injection tomorrow. Your insurance specifically covers it.

Ariel: Okay. (_whimper_)

Snow White: So I guess it's my turn. My husband took me out for a date last week at a ski resort in Europe. I was skiing the Black Diamond trail and doing good until I saw the little old man who watched the people on the slopes to make sure no one got in an accident- I saw him and crashed headfirst into a tree. I had to go to the hospital and my poor husband had to stay with me the whole time.

Cinderella: That's one date ruined. Is he taking you on another date soon?

Snow White: That's why it's traumatic. He will barely let me out of his sight now, he keeps texting me. He thinks I got a concussion.

_Note- How can he tell?_

Doctor: What did the doctor say?

Snow White: I have an appointment after this therapy session to check for that.

Cinderella: Next time you should go to Paris, there's too many dumb ways to die in Switzerland.

Snow White: I can't leave the children that long. The babysitter is expensive and the children will miss us lots.

Cinderella: Won't that make them nicer when you get back?

Snow White: That's a thought! I wonder if my insurance will cover childcare…

Doctor: If I give you a prescription it will.

Snow White: Would you?

Doctor: Sure. Just stay for a few minutes after we close up here and I'll get you the prescription free of charge.

Snow White: Thank you!

Other Princesses (_Look at Cinderella_)

Cinderella: Well I was traumatized a little while ago, I went to the mall here and the food was shockingly expensive!

Doctor: (_Reaches for his aspirin_)

Snow White: Oh I just can't stand that. They lure you in with a gorgeous store and make it huge so you walk around for hours- then when you get hungry you spend all your allowance to feed yourself that one time!

Cinderella: I know, right? Like, if I wanted to spend my car payment money on food, I'd do it buying tons of food! Not for tiny portions of 'fine cuisine'!

Doctor: I feel we are a little off topic.

Cinderella: So?

Doctor: You already have a goal to take care of, so as we are almost out of time for this session I'll give you girls time to enjoy each other's company while I write up Snow White's prescription.

**Session 10**

Aurora

Aurora: You won't believe this, but the Disneyland in CA is making me wear stage makeup under my eyes!

Doctor: Wait, you're canceling your sessions for an entire month?

Aurora: I have other things to attend to. I can't justify taking that much time for myself at the moment, plus my kids really need a vacation. We'll be staying at the Disneyland resort while I'm working and my kids will have the whole staff looking after them as well as Giselle.

Doctor: Giselle?

Aurora: Giselle is a lovely person, she watches my kids when I need her to. It just happens that she's taking her daughter to Disney at the same time and she's going to help me out.

Doctor: Is Philip going with you?

Aurora: That's the problem. I can't wake up without him so I have two options- Starbucks 24/7 or he'll have to come. But if he does come then he'll miss a tournament and they'll deduct it from his pay.

Doctor: Surely your family can live without it!

Aurora: I hate to ask him to give it up, it's so important. And I just can't think of how to make it up to him!

Doctor: Keep thinking on it and to help you out further this session is free.

Aurora: Thank you Doctor! Oh, I have to go anyways. My daughter has a date this afternoon and she just started getting ready for it.

Doctor: At nine o' clock in the morning?

Aurora: If you'll believe it. Bye Doctor! See you in a month!


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3.Session 11

Mulan

Doctor: 早上好!

Mulan: 早上好! 謝謝可是不用了.一起可以英語說吧！

_Note- We greeted each other in Chinese and she said there's no need for Chinese because her English is good. Disney Princesses have to learn many languages in order to make visits to Disney parks in Japan, etc._

Doctor: Thank you, your majesty. Are you and Shang on vacation here?

Mulan: America is no vacation. Shang and I meet politicians here.

Doctor: Well isn't that nice, do you donate money to their campaigns?

_Note: This question has nothing to do with me trying to figure out how much money she has._

Mulan: No. I expose traitors who sell us for money.

Doctor: Ah, election season. Where emotions run high.

Mulan: If you paid attention to politics, you'd be emotional too.

Doctor: Ah, I see. Well is there any particular reason you are here to see me this morning?

Mulan: Just filling a quota, Disney requested that all the princesses have at least one session and I am nothing if not obedient. Also, this is right after my morning tennis and right before my Olympic beach volleyball workout.

Doctor: Oh, so you're on the Olympic team?

Mulan: Yes. And actually I need to leave now, so thank you doctor, I'll be going.

Doctor: Come again!

_Note: Disney sent me a file on Mulan but it was about the size of all seven Harry Potter books and the spinoffs so I left it alone._

Session 12

Group Therapy

Special Guest: Mrs. Addams- I am still unclear as to why she showed up

Snow White: Normally I would bring my kids to the zoo, but I guess it's nice to go alone sometimes. They hate it when I talk to small mammals and deer.

Pocahontas: I'm glad I don't have any to take care of, I still talk to trees and raccoons at every opportunity.

Morticia: I couldn't help overhearing your conversation, is it possible that animals can commune on a deeper level than we suppose? I own a kitty myself, it's very familiar but sometimes I feel she doesn't listen.

Snow White: Cats can be difficult that way, it's why they rarely show up in Disney movies. They're too stand-offish to come and play. Bunnies, on the other hand-

Pocahontas: Make great companions, and great stew. I used to converse with a rabbit called Playboy

Snow White: Isn't it hard to kick the habit?

Pocahontas: Not if you make it into rabbit stew.

Snow White: That would have certainly frightened my children! Are you certain you want to raise them that way.

Belle: Pocahontas, I forgot you haven't had any children yet! A bit of helpful advice- don't imagine anything about what they'll look like, it's just a bad idea…

Snow White: Children are adorable!

Belle: Yours are, I won't vouch for any I might have.

_Doctor's note: Group therapy is one of my greatest challenges. I should go fetch a blow up costume of a shoe to attract Cinderella's attention, then when I have her attention I can explode and get everyone's attention… wait._

Snow White: Your husband is so attractive, and you are so beautiful, how could you not have beautiful children?

Belle: We're afraid that the curse might affect our children, you know my husband was a beast for quite a few years.

Pocahontas: Children are vital to the health of the tribe… I mean, _society_. No matter what they look like.

Morticia: Have you tried a witch doctor yet? They've worked wonders with my children.

Snow White: Uh…We're leaving out poor Jasmine. Jasmine! What do you think about it?

Jasmine: Children are the cutest things, I can't wait to have my own!

Belle: That's right! You and Aladdin just got married! It's more work than they say it is, isn't it?

Jasmine: Yes, a bit.

Pocahontas: That's why at the end of your publicized fairy tales it says "Happily Ever After" instead of "Ever After trying to achieve marital bliss while juggling commitments and children like a Hindu goddess with 16 arms"

Belle: Sigh. That is the quandary of the modern woman.

Morticia: I can identify with your exquisite pain, Belle. I am also just like any modern woman trying to have it all. Loving husband, a family. It's just, I wish I had more time to seek out the dark forces and join their hellish crusade.

Belle: Wait, what?

Doctor: Mrs. Addams, I thought you had a private witch doctor, why are you here?

Morticia: To observe suffering and the torment of the soul. It's one of the greatest pleasures in life.

Doctor: Maybe I could work you in for next Tuesday…

Morticia: I have an extra electric chair up in the children's playroom, if you would like to borrow it

Doctor: I think you misunderstand what I do as a therapist

Morticia: Don't you amplify torment for your own personal gain at the expense of the patient under the delusion that everything will be better when it's over?

Doctor: In a manner of speaking…

Morticia: It's the same!

Doctor: I can pay you $500 out of my pocket if you'll leave now

Morticia: Oh no doctor, unlike you, my services are free.*_to the princesses_* Come by anytime for some brew! _*gets up to leave*_

Jasmine: Wait, are you a witch?

Morticia: I used to be an angel, before my wings were torn off. I still fly, just on a broomstick. I'm flexible that way.

_She leaves._

Doctor: Thank heavens! That could have been disastrous.

Snow White: Where did Jasmine go?

_Note: After the fiasco of the tiger escape at the zoo I decided never to host a therapy session there again. Soon after Pocahontas singlehandedly pinned the first tiger to the ground and lit a gasoline line of fire to hem in the rest of the tigers the zoo kindly asked us never to return and we settled it out of court when instead of writing my own account number on the fine for repair I wrote Disney's account number._

_For Future Reference: I'm still uncertain as to where she got the tomahawk but I'm pretty sure it's not the only weapon under that deerskin. Taking the bow away means nothing._

Session 13.

Pocahontas

Doctor: Pocahontas! I wasn't aware you were schedules for today.

Pocahontas: I am.

Doctor: Well shall we begin? Do you have any thoughts to get out of the way beforehand?

Pocahontas: My people just accepted 2 and a half billion dollars from the American government, further selling themselves to slavery and indolence. There has to be a better way. There just has to be.

Doctor: Doesn't welfare assist them?

Pocahontas: The government builds homes for my people, makes programs to encourage the young to go to college with more funds from America's citizens, fences their land and pays to use our highways. Our own buildings, our own pride, have fallen into disrepute.

Doctor: I still don't understand.

Pocahontas: Have you studied American history recently? Particularly pertaining to Indians.

Doctor: No.

Pocahontas: There is much sensitivity to how we feel, what we need, but with other people trying to take care of us they took away our freedom. Tell me, would you like to live on welfare?

Doctor: It isn't much to live on

Pocahontas: That is not my point. Imagine being given a gift over and over. You appreciate it. Imagine your child growing up expecting that same gift, depending on it. And then the federal government falls and they starve.

Doctor: That's hardly likely

Pocahontas: Assuming that a possibility is impossible creates a vulnerability. It's close-minded and oftentimes what destroys you. This culture of receiving handouts to live disgusts me. My people used to roam the frontiers of America, living as independent tribes with our own laws, our own customs, our own beliefs. And all on our own. Now to live that way we beg for scraps from the table of revenue in order to live. I find it to be the highest insult to the self-reliance of mankind and the greatest dishonor to befall anyone.

Doctor: But some of your people need the welfare!

Pocahontas: Yes. But think of it this way- this subsidy assumes that all of my people require it in order to measure up to the American way of living. They have created with these minority laws a hint that in order to be as good as a Caucasian we need extra help. I don't believe it. I believe that with hard work and motivation any one of my people could achieve those same results and if they can't, I believe that the people around them should help them to achieve the best they can- not an over-reaching socialistic policy from a Federal giant.

Doctor: Oh.

Pocahontas: Time is almost out.

Doctor: Oh yes, I just remembered what I needed to discuss with you today, I hate to end a session this way, but Disney wants you in custody.

Pocahontas: No.

Doctor: They own all your assets! You have to listen to them

Pocahontas: It's not my assets they own. I grant them the license to use my image and I can retract it at any time. The power they have over me is the legal problem of carrying concealed weapons. So, can they prove it was me that set that fire yesterday?

Doctor: No, the camera was mysteriously smashed.

Pocahontas: Tomahawks, you gotta love them.

Doctor: Still…

Pocahontas: There isn't any evidence here except the word of a doctor who embezzles and prescribes needlessly expensive treatments for his patients as well as referrals found in his own desk leading to other mal-practitioners who benefit from his own personal scam chain.

_She reaches into her deerskin bag and throws down several volumes onto his desk. She stands up out of her chair, leans in close, puts her hands on his desk, and speaks forecfully_

Pocahontas: You try to lock me up needlessly one more time, and I will expose you.

Doctor: Is this blackmail?

Pocahontas: No. I'm going to give all my evidence to the police no matter what because I obey the laws of my country. The question here is- when? And, are you going to go straight?

Doctor: I think that concludes our session for today, please leave. Your next session will be with the group.

_Note- That is the most dangerous woman I have ever encountered. Nothing will persuade her to break her own moral conviction and I know it from her Disney file, money, public shame, threat of incarceration, nothing will persuade her. These are the kinds of people who seem small to the world but are the ones who stand in front of tanks for everyone else._

Session 14.

Princess Ana

Ana: Oh hello Doctor! I just got back from a quick trip to Norway.

Doctor: You are looking very well, did you enjoy yourself?

Ana: Yes! But something happened that I'm very concerned about.

Doctor: I'm here to listen.

Ana: Christoff… He…

Doctor: Yes?

Ana: He kissed me in front of Elsa and I got the worst lecture! She said that unless Christoff and I were going to get married soon and possibly not even then I should never publically display our affection, she said it was a "sign of insecurity and an unbecoming lack of restraint"! But what was I supposed to do? What if I say no to Christoff and he leaves me for someone else?

_Note- If I knew any relationship therapists that could actually help Ana I'd refer her to them but after paying off my last Lexus I need more income. Plus her situation is more of a silly teenage angst she's going to grow out of so I don't feel guilty. I can't get Pocahontas out of my mind since yesterday- it's like a psychosis. What if I'm losing myself to morality with my money? Will I have to give up my Ralph Lauren originals and live on the street? What a frightening thought!_

Doctor: Is Elsa your legal guardian?

Ana: No, she's just my older sister. And the queen.

Doctor: Listen to her. Next time don't kiss Christoff in public, be polite to those around you.

Ana: You mean we have to go somewhere private where no one's watching? Isn't that romantic!

Doctor: Yes. Isn't it?

Ana: I'm waiting for him to propose, we went to a ball in Norway for a Disney promotional ball and I expected him to propose then but he didn't!

Doctor: And this is a problem why?

Ana: I need commitment from my man, a sense of duty, maturity!

Doctor: So you need what you lack?

Ana: Exactly!

_A call comes through on the loudspeaker_

Doctor: I am so sorry, Disney is calling, I have to answer.

_He walks into the next room, leaving Ana alone in his office._

Doctor: Hello?

Disney: Is this Doctor Tax-Fattened-Hyena?

Doctor: Yes.

Disney: We have an emergency. Giselle requested a platinum version of Enchanted

Doctor: Oh dear. Why is that?

Disney: That's why we called you first, she's too happy with her life. We can't market her as a modern woman because she lives in a fantasy world, the only happily ever after staged in reality! Parents are complaining at the insinuation and we have had protests from critics for it!

Doctor: I thought you didn't respond to Rotten Tomatoes…

Disney: Normally, no. But did you notice that when Obama ran for president we created an African-American princess? We cater to the public because the public comes to Disney for fairy tales. We are the monopoly. If we don't stay right on with the public it is possible, feasibly, that someone might actually compete with us.

Doctor: I see. So does Giselle need therapy?

Disney: No. We already sent a request, we need to rehabilitate every Disney prince to maintain our image. Prince Edward was second only to Christoff, who is not even an official prince until Ana marries him- which we're still waiting on. Mind the request. Respond by December, it's when we unleash the next big thing.

Doctor: You can rely on me! Do you remember which bank account to send the money to?

Disney: Click.

He returns to his office.

Doctor: So sorry Ana,I believe all our time for today is up. Here's a .04% coupon off for our next session!


	4. Chapter 4

Session 15

Queen Elsa

Doctor: Why Queen Elsa, what a profitable surprise!

Elsa: Freudian slip, doctor?

Doctor: Why no. As you can see, I am wearing a perfectly respectable Burberry coat.

Elsa: Was that a joke?

Doctor: Yeeess? So Queen Elsa, why are you here?

Elsa: Before I say anything you should know that unlike my sister I am not crazy, this is not any bleeding heart marry-a-man-I-just-met issue.

Doctor: That's a relief. Your sister already exceeded the limit for relationship advice, I am backed up for at least a month.

Elsa: Oh. So you want to reschedule?

Doctor: (dollar signs flash before his eyes) NO! No. Today is wonderful.

Elsa:…

Doctor: So back to the point, why did you apply for the Disney Princess Rehabilitation program?

Elsa: I went on a blind date yesterday.

_Doctor raises his eyebrows_

Elsa: With Justin Bieber.

Doctor: How could that have been a blind date? He is a famous celebrity.

Elsa: The point is that I am very disturbed.

Doctor: Wait. (he reaches down and switches the recorder to surround sound quality)

_Note- for my press._

Doctor: Now, by all means increase my salary- I mean- tell your story.

Elsa: Ahem. After his parole officer let him out of his collar we went out to dinner and karaoke. Everything seemed fine. He was charming, he checked out every woman in the place, he was a fabulous dancer, and then…

Doctor: What, what?!

Elsa: Ka-ra-o-ke. (she pronounces this like a Japanese person because she can speak Japanese)

Doctor: ANNNDD?

Elsa: My song. My song came up. And apparently turning Justin Bieber into a Biebsicle and shoving him off the stage has the unintended effect of all the townspeople coming to pat you on the back and offer you money.

Doctor: Was that wrong?

Elsa: I didn't mean to turn him into an ice cube! Everyone would be safer if I just didn't date.

Doctor: I'm sorry your date didn't go well. I have some advice for you, so stop crying icicles for just a moment, and I'll write your prescription. Ready? Here it is.

*1) Do not date Justin Bieber. 2) If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Sign up for another therapy session and we will work specifically on your issues*

Elsa: I won't have any problems with number 1. I haven't melted him yet.

Doctor: _smiles._ You've done us all a great service. My secretary will show you out.

Elsa: Thank you, Doctor.

Session 16.

Mulan

Mulan: Doctor, why have you called for emergency therapy? We were about to win the Olympics and then we get this call and guess what, I had to abandon my teammates and come over.

Doctor: I am truly sorry, but I found something in your file that requires immediate attention.

Mulan: Tell me what it is.

Doctor: Two major problems have come up. 1) You are politically active.

Mulan: Move on.

Doctor: We will deal with that later then! 2) You are not an official princess of Disney, by name only, not blood.

Mulan: This is a problem, why?

Doctor: Disney is using you as their Oriental token for their Princesses of the World Campaign, do you feel there are any stereotypes in your movie that need removal?

Mulan: You must be employing sarcasm.

Doctor: I am completely serious. In today's society, which is better than yesterday's society, we cannot use any racial stereotype. It's incorrect.

Mulan: I feel you are lacking wisdom in this area, and don't really understand what you're talking about.

Doctor: Please explain.

Mulan: As long as we continue to call each other "Black" "White" "Asian" "Hispanic"; even with these politically correct terms we continue to discriminate. From keeping careful track of who is what and what country performs better- based on ethnicity and cultural background- racism will never fall. Before being what people call "Chinese" I am first and foremost a person and myself, and shoving that aspect of my autonomy aside to bow before the idol of tolerance does not appeal to me.

Doctor: But the children need to recognize cultural differences and be kind to all kinds of cultures! This is to teach them tolerance, surely you support the fact that you can have a Chinese princess. Unlike earlier times when a colored Disney princess would have been unacceptable.

Mulan: Is your name "white"? Is my name "Chinese"? Does color matter as much as character? Am I a statistic on a piece of paper? A figurehead to a cultural ideal of equality? And besides- racism is a learned behavior. Children don't care and neither do I. I don't care at all who is what color. I don't even see it.

Doctor: Do you mind if I send a recording of this to Disney for evaluation?

Mulan: Would I have said it if I hadn't known you would do that?

Doctor: Well I think we should leave it here for today, if you don't mind.

Mulan: I don't mind. Xie4xie, Doctor.

_She smiles and leaves. Doctor Tax-fattened-hyena flips off the recording device and walks over to his window to look out on the city._

_Many people tend to think that I am not a clever man, he thought to himself, but I know something they don't. One person in the right place at the right time can change the whole world in an instant. And Disney has women walking around who are headed to the right place to do just that. _

Session 17. Merida

Doctor: Why hello Princess Merida!

Merida: Do you have to use my title? *chomping on gum*

Doctor: No weapons on the table!

Merida: What's wrong with ye? It's not even my bow. It's one I "borrowed" from Wee Dingwall, the wee lamb never did learn how to fire an arrow on purpose.

Doctor: Uh, Merida, do you mind setting the bow down on the floor?

Merida: Oh, it's no problem, doctor. *_she sets the bow down_*

Doctor: I've been looking at your file, apparently you're a stuntwoman?

Merida: Aye. That'd be about right. My last job was in Lucy

Doctor: *_how did they get that hair to look like Lucy?_* Ah. I heard that movie was rather a success.

Merida: Course it was. It had a lot of action

Doctor: Right… So according to your file you're also one of the single princesses?

Merida: That'd be 'bout right. No man's bested me yet!

Doctor: No, I mean you aren't married! Not anything about the battlefield.

Merida: *_considers it_* No man's bested me yet.

Doctor: We have got a long way to go. So what is the issue, is it Disney pressuring you into a marriage again?

Merida: Last time that happened, they tried to set me up with Prince Naveen's cousin. What was I supposed to do?

Doctor: Was that when you sucker-punched Prince Naveen and his head deflated?

Merida: If I'd hadn't have done that, he'd never have proposed to Princess Tiana! Someone had to.

Doctor: Ahem. Personal feelings aside on that topic, have you been in contact with any of the suitors you met for your movie?

Merida: _Mouth hanging open_ You sure have a way with women, has anyone ever told you that lie before?

Doctor: Why thank you. Yes, I've heard it often.

Merida: Anyways, Doctor person, what I really came to say is that I don't want therapy

Doctor: You don't?

Merida: I don't. My problem is bein' away from home too long. I miss my horse, I miss my bow, I miss my mum. I miss my dad.

Doctor: What about your brothers?

Merida: Them I could do without for a wee bit longer.

Doctor: Hem. Hem. Your charming brothers.

Merida: If ye took a look at my file ye'd see that I am not permitted to go back to my homeland unless I get married, which makes no sense! I'm a citizen by birth, not someone's property to be told what to do and where to go.

Doctor: You miss your homeland?

Merida: Every day.

Doctor: Do you have friends here?

Merida: One. Her name is Aine.

Doctor: Wait. Is Disney doing a sequel from that?

Merida: I doubt it. One movie was good enough for me and it had better be good enough for them.

Doctor: You prefer the quiet life?

Merida: A practical life. Some friends. My horse. My family. Maybe someday a marriage of my choice. I feel no need to be one of those modern corporate women.

Doctor: And your work as a stuntwoman? How does that tie in to the practical life?

Merida: I do it for the same reason as every other actor. I have to eat something!

Doctor: I can draft a proposition to Disney for a request to lift the block on your passport but it may have to wait until after Christmas.

Merida: Thank ye, doctor.

Doctor: And because I can't get that much- I mean, because your account is so small with Disney I'll send the bill to your parents.

Merida: I know your sort. You know I won't come back unless they make me?

Doctor: I understand perfectly.

_Merida picks up the bow and walks out._

_Doctor adds a section to his essay on the psychological dangers of carrying concealed weapons_.

**Session 18.**

**Tiana**


	5. Chapter 5

EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY

I will keep what I have written up on fanfiction HOWEVER due to the popularity of the work and the need for a greater scope of viewers I have moved this story and the new chapters to .com

I know, my fans may be upset, but this is for the best. I will post other even greater things on fanfiction but as you know, Disney requires its own spotlight (Disney movies act rather like Barbie in that regard) And did I mention it's in a much easier reading format on the blog than it is on fanfiction?


End file.
